i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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