Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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