it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
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Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
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I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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