i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
