My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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