so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How naked do you want me to be?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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