i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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