woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
