: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
