oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The ass gains better be worth it
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