The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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