I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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