I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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