I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
