I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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