every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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