I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
