Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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