Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
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I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
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we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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