I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
