i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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