I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
