My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
