i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
