I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
