I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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