I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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