Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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