i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
there is glitter all over my balls
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