My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
