Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
