when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
