Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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