Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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