nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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