I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
