Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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