My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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