i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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