Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize