i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
