the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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