We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My ass is underappreciated
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
