She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
