Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
