next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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