It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
