ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The maid of honor just puked.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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