Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
