So drunk its hurt
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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