I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
