I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Oh god it's open bar.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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