Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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