I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
