I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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