i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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