god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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