I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
